Teach a Pig to Sing

.
      Evidently, if you want to gather a crowd together to hear what you want to say, call your speech a “Commencement Address”. Commencement Addresses always draw a crowd. I remember my high school commencement address by a few notes I took on the back of the graduation program, which also listed all 680 of the graduates in my senior high class.
      I believe our speaker was the inventor of latex paint, and how that made him suitable to be a commencement speaker, I have yet to understand. It is my belief that he was more proficient in the use of chemicals than he was at commencement speaking. At one point I actually believed the “commencement” had only “commenced” without having an actual end, but he soon came to a good end, and we all applauded. I learned that if you want to receive applause at the end of your speech, say more than you should and lead the people to believe you are going to go longer. Applause brought on by relief is just as good as applause born in praise.
      Here is the 1971 Commencement Address from East Forsyth Senior High School graduation, (at least the parts I jotted down). These timeless truths are eternal.

      “Cross the bridge of compromise, and do not make the alligator angry until you reach the other side, for only a fool tries to butt the bull off that bridge. The wise person will just jump right on into an ocean of platitudes and with the great stroke of an Olympian swim across the channel of confidence toward the great safety of the far shore of the obvious. It was a great man who said ‘if you give a man a fish platter, with hush puppies, you will make him happy today, but if you give him a credit card with an $8,000 limit you will make him happy for about 8 months,’ and I for one believe this is the way to keep on the sunny side all the while knowing life is a bowl of cherries, and you had better pick your bowl full sooner than later. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
      Believe in yourself and don’t believe in all that glitters, for it is not gold. People who do had may as well believe that fat meat is not greasy, that wives may object to life insurance but widows never do, and that such is life, and it just gets sucher and sucher. Remember that the Prophet Grover once told us how we should not count our chickens before they hatch, should not take any wooden nickels, should not look a gift horse in the mouth, should not get our knickers in a twist, and we should not try to teach a pig to sing; we only waste our time and annoy the pig.
      Abigail, (evidently the grandmother of the speaker) once told me to not worry about the blind horse but to just go ahead and load the wagon, for if you don’t like the cut of the jib, don’t like being a bump on a pickle, don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and don’t want to offend the neighbors, then don’t put a drunkard in the drivers seat and give him the keys. Everybody likes pie, and Jesus was a lot like his father.
      Climb the stairway of success, for success is a journey and not a destination, even when a golden opportunity comes around only once in life, and your mission in life is to pay the price of success on the rocky road of life to the success that begets success. Go ugly early: don’t wait until quitting time.”

      Now THAT is a great “Commencement Address”. Pardon me as I take a moment to wipe a tear and reflect on the great truths revealed in my recollection of this great moment in my life. As I go down memory lane, I remember the great adults who were born out of that great class of students. To my right was Jigger Marion, who soon after graduation jumped off a cliff into what he thought was a lake but all too late discovered it to be a puddle. On the other side was Grady Martin, who, on the day after graduation, married Roberta Flimsy, for her daddy’s money. Grady all too late discovered Roberta was marrying him for his money, and it just goes to prove, two poor people who get married will not make a rich family, (two negatives will not make a positive).
      I believe Job 11:12 does quite well at summing up our human wisdom and Commencement Addresses. Look it up for yourself only if you can handle more truth that is far beyond my understanding. (Job is right before Psalms…in the Old Testament).

Rev. Dan Martin is pastor of First UMC, Hendersonville. He can be reached at moose1953@hotmail.com