September 30, 2009 - Truths of a Confirmation Class

     I would like to report some of the things I have learned in Confirmation Classes over the years. I don’t mean things I learned when I was “in” Confirmation Class. I am referring to the things I have learned while “teaching” Confirmation Class. I mostly believe “I” am the student, and “they” are the teachers.
     I have learned that if you use the letters in “Presbyterians” you can spell the name “Britney Spears.” This is obviously a Sunday-at-11 a.m. discovery made by a group of girls in a balcony, during some long and boring sermon, who after making the discovery, giggled out loud with their inspired and revelatory discovery and were soon punished by their parents. Aren’t all great and inspired revelations greeted with scorn and misunderstanding?
 This revelation somehow seems to give the “Presbyterians” an advantage over the “Methodists” with the 8-to-14 aged girls sect. I can only make out the name “Theo D. Smit” from the letters of “Methodist.” I doubt "Theo" will ever become as popular as Britney Spears, whoever he is.
     I had one sage student who pointed out that William Shakespeare wrote the King James Version of the Bible. He told the story of how King James liked Shakespeare, and they were great friends, and when it came time to translate his Bible, old KJ asked his friend, Shakespeare, if he could help out. Shakespeare said "Yes," and in “one fell swoop” (Macbeth) the rest is history. I was not convinced by this account until he showed me the proof in the Bible. He had found that Psalm 46 is the middle chapter in the Bible (if you equally work your way in from both ends), and the 46th word, from the beginning of the reading of Psalm 46, is the word “shake," and the 46th word into the reading from the end of Psalm 46 is “speare”. Are you convinced?
     This discovery is obviously a discovery made by an 11 a.m. Sunday group of boys sitting in a balcony during a boring sermon, close to some giggling girls, at some church where the KJV is the only Bible allowed.
     I even had one cosmological confirmation student who had discovered where hell was located. Supposedly, while waiting in a boring checkout line in the grocery store, the grandmother of this young confirmand looked up at one of the “reputable” newspapers that had the heading, “Researchers record the screams of the damned.” She bought the paper and, sure enough, there in black and white, with a picture of the drilling squad, was a story by Dr. Assacov who, while drilling a 14.4 kilometer hole in the Russian frozen north, broke through to hell, where he and his crew heard the screams of the damned. The story goes on to reveal that, unfortunately, the “microphone” located on the end of the drilling rig – fortunately and for some reason, the Russians seem to think it is important to place microphones at the end of their drilling rigs – only recorded 17 seconds of the screams before it melted in the 2,000 degree heat. The team is still trying to find a non-melting microphone that will allow some conversations with the “damned.”
     When I sloughed this off as nothing more than a myth, two other confirmands spoke up and said they had seen it documented on a local “Christian Broadcasting Network.” I soon lost control of that class session as the confirmation class got all excited and began planning to take a field trip to Russia where they could look down the hole. I offered them the exciting alternative of meeting the Bishop in the place of going to Hell in Russia, but it was too little too late. They were consumed with the joy of looking into hell rather than meeting a great leader of the church. (I have to admit that I kind of wanted to go with them.)
     I believe, if I continue to teach Confirmation Class, I will eventually become the most knowledgeable person in church. I have begun to believe that there is more revelation, even if it is skeptical and meaningless, that comes more from boredom than from instruction.
     I am a little upset that we think finding “Britney Spears” in an obscure letter shuffle is more important than finding “Jesus” spelled correctly, that we worry about who translated the Bible rather than receiving the message it brings, and that we are enthralled by a discovery of hell more than we are excited about a way to heaven. But take heart: these confirmands will grow up and become the adults of the church tomorrow and will be God’s inspired teachers and evangelists to pass on the faith to the next generation. “Inquiring minds want to know.”
Rev. Dan Martin is pastor of First UMC, Hendersonville. He can be reached at moose1953@hotmail.com